I caught a glimpse today of how poor my belief can be in the goodness of God.
It’s not that I don’t know in my head that He is good, or that I cannot appreciate His goodness much of the time. But there are parts of me that wonder sometimes (still!) whether He will help me right now, or listen to my prayer, or answer my need. I wonder whether He will intervene in the lives of those I pray for. Or if He will give me the deepest desires of my heart.
How involved is He? How much does He care about my helplessness in the face of this particular situation? How often will He do something for me that I cannot do?
I don’t think these things out loud very often; I don’t even like to think that I might have these thoughts. But they are there, and I am much poorer in spirit than I want to believe. I need whatever it was that Paul was writing to the Ephesians about when he said, “I pray that you will be able to comprehend the height and depth and width and breadth of God’s love.” Yet when we stop to reflect on all that He has done for us, it quickly becomes evident that we cannot fathom how vast His love truly is! Perhaps Paul was really saying, “I pray that you will comprehend how incomprehensible God’s love is for you!”
So God, I really do want to get it. I want to know that I know — I want to believe with all my heart that you are actively involved, in this world, for my good, right now in the present. I want all the fear of scarcity banished from my heart and mind. I want to experience Your love in my body and soul and my everyday existence. I want to give it away in ways that help me to live in (abide in!) the stream of Your love for us.
Not in some abstract manner or believing perhaps someday. But now — to know Your love in the present.