Dread of Making Mistakes
Ran across an old journal entry from October of 2000. I was in the process of accepting a job offer in software support, which should have been a good thing since I had been out of work for a while. But an incredible sense of dread came out of nowhere that I could not shake. As I talked with God about where this was coming from, I realized I was terrified of making a mistake by taking the wrong job. I began recalling a long list of mistakes I had made that cost me dearly, including going into the military when I was 19. Along with that list, a bunch of beliefs I had about making mistakes came bubbling to the surface:
- Bad choices will haunt me forevever.
- Loss is permenant and irretrievable.
- When I make a mistake I lose my rights.
- That's what happens when I'm stupid.
- How can I expect to not pay for my stupidity?
- I brought it on myself — I have no defense, no recourse.
- I make mistakes because I am a mistake.
And then the grand-daddy of them all — I have to pay for my own sin!
At the very moment when that lie surfaced, I also heard God speak into my heart something like this: Your sins are forgiven. I did this willingly for you, so that you could be free of your buden. Do not take it back. You dishonor my sacrifice and nullify the freedom I fought and died for. You Are Free! That is my gift to you. Take it to honor me. Take it and be free!
I was ecstatic, and nothing remained of the dread I had been feeling. "You have pulled me out of a miry pit" was all I could say. Nothing was irredeemable. All was possible. God is able to make all things new. Including me.